More Democratic Politicians Call it Quits

The Democratic Party received a major shock today when several politicians revealed that they are either resigning, not running for re-election or refusing to wear underwear on international flights.  Analysts fear that public backlash against the Obama administration’s current policies has diminished chances for the “permanent Democratic majority” once hoped for. 

In addition to Senators Dorgan and Dodd and Governor Bill Ritter of Colorado, the following individuals have announced their exit from the political stage:

*Vice President Joe Biden will step down next month in order to become the C.E.O. of Wah Wah, the private firm handling Lady Gaga’s investments and beauty appointments.

*Senator Al Franken (Minn.) has suspended his term in office, calling for a recount of all votes cast in his controversial win over Norm Coleman, this time without his Uncle Leo in the room.

*Fortney H. “Pete” Stark, longtime Congressman from California, has accepted the position of Chief of the Nootsy-Uubu peoples and will join the tribe in Tanakut, Canada while a permanent location is being built in Beverly Hills.

*Democratic leaders Harry Reid (Nev.) and Nancy Pelosi (Ca.) have eloped and are expected to honeymoon in Cuba and at the Infidel Dog All-Inclusive Palace in downtown Tehran.  They plan to develop a reality series exposing the health hazards of facial wrinkling in the elderly.

White House Reveals More Terrorist Attempts on U.S.

Under pressure from Andrew Breitbart and Kanye West, the Obama administration today released the details of several other attempted terrorist attacks in 2009 previously withheld from the media.

The information, considered highly classified and known only to President Obama, a handful of his top advisors and the Yemeni Vocational Arts Club, reveals a surprising increase in hostilities against the United States despite Obama’s friendly demeanor toward mideastern nations, not to mention the 250,000 Happy Meals he air-dropped over Tehran on Christmas Eve.

Among the incidents recorded:

1. A woman bringing a stuffed moose across the Minnesota border was detained after agents found dozens of expired cans of Beef-a-Roni and an autographed photo of Wayne Newton in the animal’s interior.

2. Two men were arrested at Yellowstone Park after attempting to light their clothes on fire.  They were found to have jumbo hot dogs strapped to their waists and legs.  Authorities are still determining if their goal was to produce terrorism or just lunch.

3. On June 3rd a man was seen on the Brooklyn Bridge yelling “Pull!”, then throwing what witnesses claim was a Joe Biden Chia Pet into the East River.  He is still at-large.

4. Susan Boyle was detained in Boston’s Logan Airport after smiling to a TSA agent, breaking his eyeglasses as well as six x-ray machines.

5. A Labrador retriever defecated on the White House lawn and then eluded at least twelve Secret Service agents, jumping the West Executive Avenue fence.  It was last seen on G Street.

Janet Napolitano Takes Charge of All Our Problems!

 U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced several new security measures today in response to the thwarted terrorist attack by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who is now in custody and considering several offers from network television to star in his own reality show.

Napolitano, in an unusual press conference arranged in her private bathroom next to the Secretary’s office, first claimed that her comments of yesterday were taken out of context.

“When I said ‘The system works’ I was referring to the plumbing that you see behind me,” said Napolitano.  She then flushed the toilet several times to prove her point.  The Secretary then listed a series of new restrictions designed to prevent another terrorist attack on flights coming into the U.S.  Among the directives:

1. All passengers reporting to TSA stations must wear their undergarments on the outside of their clothing.  Female passengers with a bra size greater than double-G are allowed to use their brassiere as a carry-on bag.

2. Passengers must keep their arms raised over their head for the last hour of a flight and sing all known verses of  “The Hokey Pokey.”

3. Passengers from Nigeria attempting to fly to the United States without a passport will be subjected to extra screening, then allowed to board with no more than six carry-on bags.

4. Any person who refuses to remove their blanket or pillow from their lap will be required to purchase the Philips Norelco Body Groomer ($49.99) from the Sky Mall catalog.

5.  Passengers may look out the window provided the shade is drawn, or whenever the pilot announces that he sees Santa’s sleigh.

President to Bow Across Country, Host Oscars

The Obama administration has several announcements of importance today, which can be read in detail on the new web site obamahelpus.com.  Some of the highlights:

*The President will begin a “bowing” tour next month, where he will travel cross-country by bus, performing salaams, genuflections, curtsies and other acts of obeisance to any citizen with a properly vetted grievance against the United States.  Applications to receive a bow will be taken online, and must be limited to post-Civil War atrocities.  Former Communists, yellow-bellied war protesters, overwrought cable television hosts and the churlish are encouraged to apply – only one act of contrition per person, please.

*Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler and Josef Goebbels will be exhumed, given new uniforms and flown to downtown New York City to go on trial for alleged naughty-naughties during World War II.  Live coverage of the proceedings will be shown on the Bravo Channel except during “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.”

*President Obama will host the 82nd annual Academy Awards next February, replacing Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.  Obama will narrate a salute to the election of 2008, sing all five of the nominees for Best Song, and challenge Clint Eastwood to a fistfight during commercials.

*Vice President Joe Biden and international celebrity Levi Johnston (father of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s grandson Tripp) will judge a very special episode of “American Idol” next year, where contestants will be required to sing the classic ballads “They Can Put Me in Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out”, “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” and “How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life?”

President Obama: Unhappiness is Unfair

President Obama has decided to solve another one of the United States’ most shameful inequalities, and he’s calling it no laughing matter.

“There is a crisis of happiness in America today,” said Obama during an appearance at the Main Street Parade in Walt Disney World in Orlando.  “For far too long those of us who are happy have ignored the needs of the unhappy.  This is a shameful repudiation of what the Framers of the Constitution desired.  All Americans deserve to be happy, if not on a daily basis, at least more frequently than waiting for the Cubs to win the World Series.”

The president has challenged Democratic leaders in Congress to come up with legislation designed to ensure happiness is distributed to all citizens equally.  Senate Majority leader Harry Reid immediately denounced “the hoarders of mirth, the giddy, the perky extremists of the selfish right who have forced many into the abyss of depression and bad breath.”  When asked, Reid denied that he was unhappy – just “mildly blase”.

The senator went on to describe selected details of a new bill including restrictions on joke-telling and pratfalls in the more cheerful suburbs, a “public option” sit-com financed by the NEA, distributing whoopee cushions to the crestfallen and commissioning a Chamber of Anguish to monitor antidepressant therapy in medically qualified applicants or campaign donors.

Publicity for the president’s new program has already started.  A new poster of Obama will be unveiled Saturday at the annual Angry Left Parade in New York.  According to the designing artist, President Obama sports a Moe Howard haircut above the words “HOPE YER HAPPY”, painted in large block letters.

Hugo Chavez’s Plan to Help Economy

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is fed up.  After listening to months of complaints from his constituents about shortages of electricity, water, garbage removal and those little pins that keep grenades from exploding, the controversial Communist leader went to the airwaves today to advise his people on how to cope with the country’s deteriorating economy, and to announce the purchase of 2,000 tanks from Russia.

“We must be proud Communists, but wise ones, too,” he said during a 14 hour speech.  “Last week I said to conserve water and take only a three minute shower.  Today I change my mind.  From now on all people are to wash with lightly moistened bucare leaves, then rub up against a large dog.”

Chavez’s new directives include the following:

*No more ice cream cones allowed – all scoops must be put directly into the hand.

*Any comrade caught hoarding extra cans of gas, or even making “Vroom!  Vroom!” sounds will be flogged with commemorative scarves from President Chavez’s last inaugural ball.

*All goats and chickens are to be immediately adopted by their owners and given their own bedroom, thus falling under the domain of the “Don’t Eat Your Child” law passed during the last famine.

*In lieu of corn meal, ground-up surplus posters of President Chavez will be used when making arepas.  Yum yum!

Scientists Announce Cure for Global Warming

The annual meeting of Scientists Against Humans was highlighted today by a stunning announcement that California investigators have discovered a way to reverse the process of evolution, raising hopes around the world that Earth may be saved from global warming.

Using state-of-the-art nanotechnology and the popular Wii game system from Nintendo, scientists from Stanford University were able to transform a 28 year old volunteer graduate student into Homo sapiens neanderthalensis, or Neanderthal Man, a species of early human extinct for 30,000 years, although examples have allegedly been seen in the stands at Yankee Stadium.

“The patient is doing fine,” said a spokesperson for the group.  “He is now a peaceful, low-carbon footprint citizen and has exceeded our expectations in all categories, including leisure, where he loves to watch MSNBC.”

The scientists plan to continue to de-evolve the student until he reaches the ancient hominid Australopithecus afarensis, which lived in eastern Africa over 3 million years ago.  They will then move him to Berkeley, California, where he is expected to socialize and mate without difficulty.

Several organizations traditionally concerned about the fate of planet Earth have signed a petition demanding priority in the selection process.  A dozen members of PETA chained themselves to the gate at the Palo Alto research lab today shouting “Send us back!”

The Stanford professors denied a rumor that former Vice President Al Gore has asked to be the next subject, citing a letter they received from him.  Gore is currently vacationing at his 20,000 square foot estate in Monte Carlo, where he will race his Rolls-Royce next week in the famed Monaco Grand Prix.

Obama: Video Games Will Bring Cheer to All

Seeking new solutions to the angst sweeping the nation in a time of war and recession, President Obama said today that his administration, working in partnership with notable celebrities, will release several new video games designed to entertain anxious Americans.

“I am pleased, pleased that is, to announce this partnership for America,” said Obama.  “We cannot allow the mess I inherited from my predecessor to interfere with our mission to lead all citizens of the world toward a more nuanced existence, not to mention slapping Rush Limbaugh upside the head.  These exciting games will be a great way to forget about not having a job.”

Available in all formats, the games are scheduled to go on sale in time for the “Joyful Period” (formerly known as the Holiday).  The first to be released, Toxic Carbon Avengers, was developed by former vice-president Al Gore and allows players to score points in a variety of go-green activities such as not washing their clothes, sabotaging factories, and walking on all fours.  Bonus points are given to any player who teaches a herd of cattle to stop passing gas. 

In early December Crushed! will come out, featuring famed director Michael Moore as an annoying 300 pound slob on the loose in Las Vegas.  Teams take turns attempting to sit on unsuspecting tourists as the clock winds down, and the fun really begins whenever your own Michael Moore sees a buffet dinner or a bathroom.

Just days before JP Eve, the administration will release Please Forgive Us, a light-hearted role-playing game where one travels to beautiful countries like Venezuela, Iran and North Korea to deliver apologies for U.S. sins such as defeating Communism, slavery, defeating Nazism, arrogance, ending World War II in the Pacific prematurely, toughness, freeing nations and giving Jay Leno five nights a week.

Progressives Rally Against Right-Wing Success

Dozens of television hosts and progressive bloggers gathered in Washington, D.C. today to protest the recent popularity of right-wing conservative authors.  After an anti-prayer breakfast at the Mayfair Hotel, the group marched to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, where they chanted and sold autographs to passersby.

“I hate them!  I hate everyone!  I hate myself!  Fe Fi Fo Fum!” cried MSNBC host Keith Olbermann, whose speech was cut short after he spotted a nearby squirrel and took off in chase.

Many in the crowd became restless when local television coverage was delayed by a five-alarm fire in the Capitol building.  Several liberal bloggers wearing Al Gore masks tried to scale the statue of Abraham Lincoln but gave up when they realized they had forgotten to cut out eye holes.

Criticism of best-selling authors Glenn Beck and Michelle Malkin has noticeably intensified over the past weeks.  President Obama recently invited the pair to represent the United States in a hiking tour of Iran, and the faculty of Harvard University has called for a total boycott of American culture, except “The Biggest Loser,” on NBC each Tuesday at 8 PM Eastern, 7 Central.

The rally broke up in front of a Sno-Cone stand after the group realized that no one had change for a twenty.

Health Care Bill Passes; Pelosi Now Targets Terrorism

Fresh on the massive five-vote victory for her heavily touted health care bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is introducing terrorism reform legislation designed to prevent terrorist attacks on America, especially the 8th district of California.

“We cannot let the momentum of this historic day pass without addressing all of the needs of hard-working union members – I mean Americans,” said the Speaker during a conference call from her yacht Facelift,  sailing off the coast of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

“My next bill will keep America safe now and forever, although Steny Hoyer and I are still working on preventing the sun from blowing up 8 billion years from now,” she said.

Details of the 67,000 page bill have not been released, but highlights have been leaked to wonderful, esteemed, real news media outlets such as Daily Kos and The New York Times.  Included in the bill are such provisions as:

*Terrorist groups must form equal-opportunity cooperatives and register all weapons purchases quarterly with the Bad Guys Oversight Board.

*All proposed attacks must first be reviewed by a federal evildoer rationing board.  Low-priority targets will be subject to disapproval and sanctions will apply.

*No terrorists will be allowed to enter the United States without a federally issued I.D. card.

*Attacks involving the use of custard pies must first be announced with the warning “Nyuk!  Nyuk!  Nyuk!”.

*The government reserves the right to create a public option if terrorist activity falls below pre-determined threshholds, or if Texas is not attacked within the first five years of the bill’s passing.