George Soros Announces Plan to Save Us All

Billionaire hedge-fund investor George Soros is leading a new fight to destroy the selfishness and elitism that he claims have ruined the global economy as well as the orchids in his greenhouse.

“The time for greedily pursuing the accumulation of wealth, not to mention food and shelter is over,” said Soros during a lecture in Beijing to local Party leaders.  “I am sending my list of solutions to President Obama and will fund these fully with the two billion I made shorting U. S. stocks last year.”

Some of the proposals Soros recommends to save the world community:

-Changing all first names to “Friend”, such as “Hello, Friend Jolie – how is Friend getting along with her siblings?”

-Replacing all monetary transactions with a game of rock-paper-scissors (must win two out of three for large appliance purchases).

-Charging those who make more than $50,000 per year for their use of atmospheric oxygen.

-Adopting the notable but controversial lifestyle of his mentor, philosopher Karl Popper, including wandering aimlessly, laughing “Har-de-har-har” three times a day and, in times of trouble, holding hands with a chimpanzee.

Soros, 79, is the author of the popular best sellers Goddamn, I’m Rich! and Why You Must Hate Yourself:  A Guide for Slobbering Americans.

Published in: on November 5, 2009 at 3:42 PM  Leave a Comment  

Obama: Election Losses Not My Fault

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs denied today that President Obama was “upset” about Republican victories in the governorships of Virginia and New Jersey.

“The President isn’t upset at all,” said Gibbs.  “He didn’t even watch the returns, following a long tradition in his career.  He didn’t watch them last night and he didn’t watch them one year ago; in fact, he wasn’t even aware he had won the presidency until Barbra Streisand sent him a Thanksgiving turkey in the shape of the White House.”

When pressed to respond to allegations that voters are turning against the manna-from-heaven reforms touted by Democrats, Gibbs said, “Hey – the president ain’t the problem.  If he had been on the ballot we would have creamed those losers.  A president this wonderful deserves to be on every ticket for every race in this country, and if we can just get the Supremes to play ball with us this will be a reality before you can say ‘one party rule’.”

Gibbs said that trial runs of this strategy are already in place, stating that the mayoral race in Festus, Missouri is now between Republican Greg Lewis and Democrat Harold Obama-Hickson.  The president plans to watch tonight’s World Series game six with newly elected New York congressman Bill-Barack Owens and Academy Award winning actor Philip Seymour Obama-Hoffman.

Published in: on November 4, 2009 at 2:32 PM  Leave a Comment  

Conservative Party Candidate Shakes Up Race

An off-year election in western Iowa appears to be heading toward a national confrontation between conservatives, Republicans and Democrats.  Jess J. Johanson, an 97 year old retired fan-belt inspector has emerged as the Conservative Party candidate in what has turned into a three-way race for Pottawattamie County Auditor.

Mr. Johanson, a long-time resident of the Pushing Up Daisies retirement home in Minden, Iowa, has not spoken for several years according to his family, but in a surprise move last month he filed to run for County Auditor on the Conservative Party ticket.  Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, radio host Rush Limbaugh and someone resembling deceased wrestler “Captain” Lou Albano have been spotted in the Minden area, fueling rumors of a push to bring Johanson into the race as an alternative to candidates Zing Winger, a former Socialist and moderate Republican, and the Democratic candidate whose name escapes this writer.

Reaction from the mainstream media has been fierce.  “I told you that all conservatives are rutabagas, evil mongers and lip-synchers,” said distinguised and very important columnist Frank Rich in an interview in Spittle magazine.

“They say Johanson is a war hero, church leader, devoted father and husband, but such adjectives are merely code-words for sexism, anti-anti-familyism and hoop-de-do-ism,” wrote Maureen Dowd.  “Plus, I say he’s a wanker.”

President Obama is expected to make an appearance tomorrow with the Democratic candidate whose name no one seems to know, while several prominent Pottawattamie County Republicans are hosting a rock-throwing party somewhere “in the vicinity” of Mr. Johanson’s nursing home.

Published in: on November 3, 2009 at 6:40 PM  Leave a Comment  

Nancy Pelosi Withdraws Health Care Legislation

In a surprise move, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is withdrawing the 1,990 page health care bill from consideration and is replacing it with new legislation outlawing all medical care, from delivery of babies to execution by lethal injection.  Violators will receive a variety of penalties ranging from fines to imprisonment to death by lethal self-injection.

“The time for profiteering on the backs of hard-working Americans is over,” Pelosi said.  “Health care’s rising costs are a direct result of greedy providers providing excessive medical care to those who work hard.  This new bill makes it illegal to treat any illness, injury or awkwardness in achieving an erection.”

Pennsylvania representative John Murtha immediately added an amendment excluding members of Congress from the legislation.  The bill will now work its way through the committee system, where lobbyists will be expected to stuff plain brown envelopes in the right bottom drawer of each chairman’s desk.

The House Speaker flies out later today for a visit with the troops in London, Paris and a 17th century villa near Siena, Italy.

Published in: on November 2, 2009 at 9:29 AM  Leave a Comment  

Virus Discovery Raises Fears for MSNBC

Officials from the Center for Disease Control issued a warning today that people stay away from MSNBC news host Keith Olbermann, who is suspected of harboring the brain-eating virus OUCI812.

“We’ve received several reports from the network about Mr. Olbermann and are concerned that he has been infected,” said a spokesperson for the CDC.  The comments were in response to last night’s “Countdown” program where Olbermann asked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi if she stretched out her face on a rack every night before retiring.  He also called former president George W. Bush “Shemp,” and demanded that all congressional debates be performed with hand puppets.

Olbermann’s behavior in recent weeks has been under scrutiny by MSNBC executives ever since he surprised Senator Charles Schumer on-air with an engagement ring.  The talk show host was taken away by security officers yesterday and was allegedly heard screaming “You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal! You can do whatever you feel!” through the windows of a NYPD squad car.

Published in: on October 28, 2009 at 2:59 PM  Leave a Comment  

Obama Proclaims Recession Has “Gone Bye-Bye”

President Barack Obama will announce today in a Rose Garden ceremony that the recession is almost certainly close to being declared likely coming to an end in the near futureNew figures released by the government show encouraging signs, such as major decreases in inventories of kerosene heaters, used clothing and cardboard signs.

Despite an unemployment rate of 10 percent and an unusual decision by McDonald’s to convert all 10,000 of its restaurants into crematories, Obama administration officials are optimistic about the economy.

“America is coming back,” declared Arlis von Sprechzing, the Unemployment Czar.  “The President today will announce major new stimulus packages, such as $500 to audition for ‘American Idol,’ or one million dollars a day to harass Glenn Beck.  Our ‘Recycle Me First’ plan asks families to bring their deceased loved ones to the nearest McDonalds, where they will be converted into low-cost heating fuel.”

This is the second time this year that an end to all human suffering has been announced, the other being in August when the White House revealed that secret negotiations done by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton prevented an invasion from Mars.

Published in: on October 27, 2009 at 1:20 PM  Leave a Comment  

Kerry Urges Caution on Moon Shot

Senator John Kerry said today a plan to put man on the moon is “too ambitious, too risky, and goes too far, too fast.”

“No one wants to see us fail in our goal of a successful landing on the moon,” said Kerry during a visit to the Herman Munster Museum in Popponesset, Massachusetts, ” but I reject the call for a build-up of rockets and astronauts at this time while so much work is left to be done in losing the war in Afghanistan.”

Aides to the senator have reminded him repeatedly of the 1969 Apollo 11 mission to the moon, but according to one staffer, who spoke anonymously as she enjoys being gainfully employed, the senator has recently developed several unorthodox opinions, such as the D-Day invasion actually took place in Lawrence Olivier’s swimming pool, and if he was an Oscar Meyer wiener, everyone would be in love with him.

After visiting the museum Kerry bicycled to the Popponesset Bird Sanctuary, where he played several hands of pinochle with the local curlews, godwits, pharalopes and loons.

Published in: on October 26, 2009 at 7:13 PM  Leave a Comment  

White House Pay Czar Expands Oversight

Kenneth Feinberg, the Obama administration’s ‘pay czar’, has been tapped by the President to further reduce expenditures by bailed-out executives of companies who benefitted from TARP funds.

Speaking behind a bullet-proof partition in the Treasury Department lobby Feinberg said, “The President has asked me to reduce the excessive compensation of those who are still on the Federal dole,” said Feinberg.  “I have already arranged for pay cuts as high as 90%, but am pleased to announce these further measures.  Starting immediately, all executives from companies still on the TARP list will obey the following directives.” 

Feinberg’s bodyguards passed out copies to reporters, and then following standard administration protocol, all present in the room were blindfolded as the czar made his exit.

The new measures prohibit such expenses as hair coloring, tipping caddies more than five dollars, use of “call” liquor during dinner meetings, anything other than plain coffee at Starbucks, premium dog food, use of shoe shine parlors in airports (except on overseas flights) and more than one hot dog per sporting event. 

Reaction from the companies was swift and strong.  “We disagree strongly with Mr. Feinberg’s directives,” replied GM executive Charles Farley.  “Why, I haven’t worn a clip-on tie since I was in the 6th grade.”

Feinberg is widely expected to drop “therapeutic Botox injections” from the list after disclosures of plastic surgery were reported by James O’Keefe and  Hannah Giles.

Published in: on October 22, 2009 at 9:25 AM  Leave a Comment  

Jimmy Carter to Perform New Acts of Kindness

Former President Jimmy Carter, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, has released his fall and winter schedule of upcoming good deeds.

The Nobel Laureate Carter and his wife Rosalynn will join members of the rock band U2, blogress Arianna Huffington and reality TV star Jon Gosselin in a week-long trip to Nunavut, Canada where they will judge a beauty pageant and build snow forts for homeless indigenous Inuits. 

The former president, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, will next travel to Oslo, Norway to build vacation homes for several of the Nobel Peace Prize committee members.

In December he returns to the United States, where he will vaccinate the citizens of Plains, Georgia against influenza, speak out against Republicans in a series of appearances on the David Letterman show and, with the help of the new da Vinci robotic system, remove his own prostate gland.

The Nobel Peace Prize winner is still in the process of selecting actors and actresses to accompany him to Switzerland in January to perform a daring daytime rescue of director Roman Polanski from a Zurich jail cell.

Published in: on October 21, 2009 at 3:25 PM  Leave a Comment  

More Planets Found

A group of European astronomers have found 32 new planets outside our solar system.  Scientists at the European Southern Observatory in Chile announced the discovery during a surprise visit to a Star Trek convention taking place in Davenport, Iowa.

“Using our new High Accuracy Radial Velocity Planet Searcher,” said Dr. Anton Xavier, lead researcher, “created from three XBox consoles connected to a telescope and a large microwave oven, we were able to definitively identify 32 new planets near our solar system, although none of them were actually confirmed to exist.”

The group plans to name all of the planets “Obama”, in honor of the American president’s recent Nobel Peace Prize award.  “We’re 99 per cent sure that the inhabitants of Obama-14 have universal health care,” said Dr. Xavier.  “Now we can only hope that the President follows their lead – for the sake of the Earth.”

Published in: on October 20, 2009 at 12:57 PM  Leave a Comment