President to Bow Across Country, Host Oscars

The Obama administration has several announcements of importance today, which can be read in detail on the new web site obamahelpus.com.  Some of the highlights:

*The President will begin a “bowing” tour next month, where he will travel cross-country by bus, performing salaams, genuflections, curtsies and other acts of obeisance to any citizen with a properly vetted grievance against the United States.  Applications to receive a bow will be taken online, and must be limited to post-Civil War atrocities.  Former Communists, yellow-bellied war protesters, overwrought cable television hosts and the churlish are encouraged to apply – only one act of contrition per person, please.

*Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler and Josef Goebbels will be exhumed, given new uniforms and flown to downtown New York City to go on trial for alleged naughty-naughties during World War II.  Live coverage of the proceedings will be shown on the Bravo Channel except during “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.”

*President Obama will host the 82nd annual Academy Awards next February, replacing Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.  Obama will narrate a salute to the election of 2008, sing all five of the nominees for Best Song, and challenge Clint Eastwood to a fistfight during commercials.

*Vice President Joe Biden and international celebrity Levi Johnston (father of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s grandson Tripp) will judge a very special episode of “American Idol” next year, where contestants will be required to sing the classic ballads “They Can Put Me in Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out”, “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” and “How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I’ve Been a Liar All My Life?”

Published in: on November 17, 2009 at 12:13 PM  Leave a Comment  

President Obama: Unhappiness is Unfair

President Obama has decided to solve another one of the United States’ most shameful inequalities, and he’s calling it no laughing matter.

“There is a crisis of happiness in America today,” said Obama during an appearance at the Main Street Parade in Walt Disney World in Orlando.  “For far too long those of us who are happy have ignored the needs of the unhappy.  This is a shameful repudiation of what the Framers of the Constitution desired.  All Americans deserve to be happy, if not on a daily basis, at least more frequently than waiting for the Cubs to win the World Series.”

The president has challenged Democratic leaders in Congress to come up with legislation designed to ensure happiness is distributed to all citizens equally.  Senate Majority leader Harry Reid immediately denounced “the hoarders of mirth, the giddy, the perky extremists of the selfish right who have forced many into the abyss of depression and bad breath.”  When asked, Reid denied that he was unhappy – just “mildly blase”.

The senator went on to describe selected details of a new bill including restrictions on joke-telling and pratfalls in the more cheerful suburbs, a “public option” sit-com financed by the NEA, distributing whoopee cushions to the crestfallen and commissioning a Chamber of Anguish to monitor antidepressant therapy in medically qualified applicants or campaign donors.

Publicity for the president’s new program has already started.  A new poster of Obama will be unveiled Saturday at the annual Angry Left Parade in New York.  According to the designing artist, President Obama sports a Moe Howard haircut above the words “HOPE YER HAPPY”, painted in large block letters.

Published in: on November 16, 2009 at 5:43 PM  Leave a Comment  

Hugo Chavez’s Plan to Help Economy

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is fed up.  After listening to months of complaints from his constituents about shortages of electricity, water, garbage removal and those little pins that keep grenades from exploding, the controversial Communist leader went to the airwaves today to advise his people on how to cope with the country’s deteriorating economy, and to announce the purchase of 2,000 tanks from Russia.

“We must be proud Communists, but wise ones, too,” he said during a 14 hour speech.  “Last week I said to conserve water and take only a three minute shower.  Today I change my mind.  From now on all people are to wash with lightly moistened bucare leaves, then rub up against a large dog.”

Chavez’s new directives include the following:

*No more ice cream cones allowed – all scoops must be put directly into the hand.

*Any comrade caught hoarding extra cans of gas, or even making “Vroom!  Vroom!” sounds will be flogged with commemorative scarves from President Chavez’s last inaugural ball.

*All goats and chickens are to be immediately adopted by their owners and given their own bedroom, thus falling under the domain of the “Don’t Eat Your Child” law passed during the last famine.

*In lieu of corn meal, ground-up surplus posters of President Chavez will be used when making arepas.  Yum yum!

Published in: on November 13, 2009 at 1:48 PM  Leave a Comment  

Scientists Announce Cure for Global Warming

The annual meeting of Scientists Against Humans was highlighted today by a stunning announcement that California investigators have discovered a way to reverse the process of evolution, raising hopes around the world that Earth may be saved from global warming.

Using state-of-the-art nanotechnology and the popular Wii game system from Nintendo, scientists from Stanford University were able to transform a 28 year old volunteer graduate student into Homo sapiens neanderthalensis, or Neanderthal Man, a species of early human extinct for 30,000 years, although examples have allegedly been seen in the stands at Yankee Stadium.

“The patient is doing fine,” said a spokesperson for the group.  “He is now a peaceful, low-carbon footprint citizen and has exceeded our expectations in all categories, including leisure, where he loves to watch MSNBC.”

The scientists plan to continue to de-evolve the student until he reaches the ancient hominid Australopithecus afarensis, which lived in eastern Africa over 3 million years ago.  They will then move him to Berkeley, California, where he is expected to socialize and mate without difficulty.

Several organizations traditionally concerned about the fate of planet Earth have signed a petition demanding priority in the selection process.  A dozen members of PETA chained themselves to the gate at the Palo Alto research lab today shouting “Send us back!”

The Stanford professors denied a rumor that former Vice President Al Gore has asked to be the next subject, citing a letter they received from him.  Gore is currently vacationing at his 20,000 square foot estate in Monte Carlo, where he will race his Rolls-Royce next week in the famed Monaco Grand Prix.

Published in: on November 12, 2009 at 6:18 PM  Leave a Comment  

Obama: Video Games Will Bring Cheer to All

Seeking new solutions to the angst sweeping the nation in a time of war and recession, President Obama said today that his administration, working in partnership with notable celebrities, will release several new video games designed to entertain anxious Americans.

“I am pleased, pleased that is, to announce this partnership for America,” said Obama.  “We cannot allow the mess I inherited from my predecessor to interfere with our mission to lead all citizens of the world toward a more nuanced existence, not to mention slapping Rush Limbaugh upside the head.  These exciting games will be a great way to forget about not having a job.”

Available in all formats, the games are scheduled to go on sale in time for the “Joyful Period” (formerly known as the Holiday).  The first to be released, Toxic Carbon Avengers, was developed by former vice-president Al Gore and allows players to score points in a variety of go-green activities such as not washing their clothes, sabotaging factories, and walking on all fours.  Bonus points are given to any player who teaches a herd of cattle to stop passing gas. 

In early December Crushed! will come out, featuring famed director Michael Moore as an annoying 300 pound slob on the loose in Las Vegas.  Teams take turns attempting to sit on unsuspecting tourists as the clock winds down, and the fun really begins whenever your own Michael Moore sees a buffet dinner or a bathroom.

Just days before JP Eve, the administration will release Please Forgive Us, a light-hearted role-playing game where one travels to beautiful countries like Venezuela, Iran and North Korea to deliver apologies for U.S. sins such as defeating Communism, slavery, defeating Nazism, arrogance, ending World War II in the Pacific prematurely, toughness, freeing nations and giving Jay Leno five nights a week.

Published in: on November 11, 2009 at 6:06 PM  Leave a Comment  

Progressives Rally Against Right-Wing Success

Dozens of television hosts and progressive bloggers gathered in Washington, D.C. today to protest the recent popularity of right-wing conservative authors.  After an anti-prayer breakfast at the Mayfair Hotel, the group marched to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, where they chanted and sold autographs to passersby.

“I hate them!  I hate everyone!  I hate myself!  Fe Fi Fo Fum!” cried MSNBC host Keith Olbermann, whose speech was cut short after he spotted a nearby squirrel and took off in chase.

Many in the crowd became restless when local television coverage was delayed by a five-alarm fire in the Capitol building.  Several liberal bloggers wearing Al Gore masks tried to scale the statue of Abraham Lincoln but gave up when they realized they had forgotten to cut out eye holes.

Criticism of best-selling authors Glenn Beck and Michelle Malkin has noticeably intensified over the past weeks.  President Obama recently invited the pair to represent the United States in a hiking tour of Iran, and the faculty of Harvard University has called for a total boycott of American culture, except “The Biggest Loser,” on NBC each Tuesday at 8 PM Eastern, 7 Central.

The rally broke up in front of a Sno-Cone stand after the group realized that no one had change for a twenty.

Published in: on November 10, 2009 at 6:01 PM  Leave a Comment  

Health Care Bill Passes; Pelosi Now Targets Terrorism

Fresh on the massive five-vote victory for her heavily touted health care bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is introducing terrorism reform legislation designed to prevent terrorist attacks on America, especially the 8th district of California.

“We cannot let the momentum of this historic day pass without addressing all of the needs of hard-working union members – I mean Americans,” said the Speaker during a conference call from her yacht Facelift,  sailing off the coast of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

“My next bill will keep America safe now and forever, although Steny Hoyer and I are still working on preventing the sun from blowing up 8 billion years from now,” she said.

Details of the 67,000 page bill have not been released, but highlights have been leaked to wonderful, esteemed, real news media outlets such as Daily Kos and The New York Times.  Included in the bill are such provisions as:

*Terrorist groups must form equal-opportunity cooperatives and register all weapons purchases quarterly with the Bad Guys Oversight Board.

*All proposed attacks must first be reviewed by a federal evildoer rationing board.  Low-priority targets will be subject to disapproval and sanctions will apply.

*No terrorists will be allowed to enter the United States without a federally issued I.D. card.

*Attacks involving the use of custard pies must first be announced with the warning “Nyuk!  Nyuk!  Nyuk!”.

*The government reserves the right to create a public option if terrorist activity falls below pre-determined threshholds, or if Texas is not attacked within the first five years of the bill’s passing.

Published in: on November 9, 2009 at 10:12 AM  Leave a Comment  

George Soros Announces Plan to Save Us All

Billionaire hedge-fund investor George Soros is leading a new fight to destroy the selfishness and elitism that he claims have ruined the global economy as well as the orchids in his greenhouse.

“The time for greedily pursuing the accumulation of wealth, not to mention food and shelter is over,” said Soros during a lecture in Beijing to local Party leaders.  “I am sending my list of solutions to President Obama and will fund these fully with the two billion I made shorting U. S. stocks last year.”

Some of the proposals Soros recommends to save the world community:

-Changing all first names to “Friend”, such as “Hello, Friend Jolie – how is Friend getting along with her siblings?”

-Replacing all monetary transactions with a game of rock-paper-scissors (must win two out of three for large appliance purchases).

-Charging those who make more than $50,000 per year for their use of atmospheric oxygen.

-Adopting the notable but controversial lifestyle of his mentor, philosopher Karl Popper, including wandering aimlessly, laughing “Har-de-har-har” three times a day and, in times of trouble, holding hands with a chimpanzee.

Soros, 79, is the author of the popular best sellers Goddamn, I’m Rich! and Why You Must Hate Yourself:  A Guide for Slobbering Americans.

Published in: on November 5, 2009 at 3:42 PM  Leave a Comment  

Obama: Election Losses Not My Fault

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs denied today that President Obama was “upset” about Republican victories in the governorships of Virginia and New Jersey.

“The President isn’t upset at all,” said Gibbs.  “He didn’t even watch the returns, following a long tradition in his career.  He didn’t watch them last night and he didn’t watch them one year ago; in fact, he wasn’t even aware he had won the presidency until Barbra Streisand sent him a Thanksgiving turkey in the shape of the White House.”

When pressed to respond to allegations that voters are turning against the manna-from-heaven reforms touted by Democrats, Gibbs said, “Hey – the president ain’t the problem.  If he had been on the ballot we would have creamed those losers.  A president this wonderful deserves to be on every ticket for every race in this country, and if we can just get the Supremes to play ball with us this will be a reality before you can say ‘one party rule’.”

Gibbs said that trial runs of this strategy are already in place, stating that the mayoral race in Festus, Missouri is now between Republican Greg Lewis and Democrat Harold Obama-Hickson.  The president plans to watch tonight’s World Series game six with newly elected New York congressman Bill-Barack Owens and Academy Award winning actor Philip Seymour Obama-Hoffman.

Published in: on November 4, 2009 at 2:32 PM  Leave a Comment  

Conservative Party Candidate Shakes Up Race

An off-year election in western Iowa appears to be heading toward a national confrontation between conservatives, Republicans and Democrats.  Jess J. Johanson, an 97 year old retired fan-belt inspector has emerged as the Conservative Party candidate in what has turned into a three-way race for Pottawattamie County Auditor.

Mr. Johanson, a long-time resident of the Pushing Up Daisies retirement home in Minden, Iowa, has not spoken for several years according to his family, but in a surprise move last month he filed to run for County Auditor on the Conservative Party ticket.  Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, radio host Rush Limbaugh and someone resembling deceased wrestler “Captain” Lou Albano have been spotted in the Minden area, fueling rumors of a push to bring Johanson into the race as an alternative to candidates Zing Winger, a former Socialist and moderate Republican, and the Democratic candidate whose name escapes this writer.

Reaction from the mainstream media has been fierce.  “I told you that all conservatives are rutabagas, evil mongers and lip-synchers,” said distinguised and very important columnist Frank Rich in an interview in Spittle magazine.

“They say Johanson is a war hero, church leader, devoted father and husband, but such adjectives are merely code-words for sexism, anti-anti-familyism and hoop-de-do-ism,” wrote Maureen Dowd.  “Plus, I say he’s a wanker.”

President Obama is expected to make an appearance tomorrow with the Democratic candidate whose name no one seems to know, while several prominent Pottawattamie County Republicans are hosting a rock-throwing party somewhere “in the vicinity” of Mr. Johanson’s nursing home.

Published in: on November 3, 2009 at 6:40 PM  Leave a Comment