Janet Napolitano Takes Charge of All Our Problems!

 U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced several new security measures today in response to the thwarted terrorist attack by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who is now in custody and considering several offers from network television to star in his own reality show.

Napolitano, in an unusual press conference arranged in her private bathroom next to the Secretary’s office, first claimed that her comments of yesterday were taken out of context.

“When I said ‘The system works’ I was referring to the plumbing that you see behind me,” said Napolitano.  She then flushed the toilet several times to prove her point.  The Secretary then listed a series of new restrictions designed to prevent another terrorist attack on flights coming into the U.S.  Among the directives:

1. All passengers reporting to TSA stations must wear their undergarments on the outside of their clothing.  Female passengers with a bra size greater than double-G are allowed to use their brassiere as a carry-on bag.

2. Passengers must keep their arms raised over their head for the last hour of a flight and sing all known verses of  “The Hokey Pokey.”

3. Passengers from Nigeria attempting to fly to the United States without a passport will be subjected to extra screening, then allowed to board with no more than six carry-on bags.

4. Any person who refuses to remove their blanket or pillow from their lap will be required to purchase the Philips Norelco Body Groomer ($49.99) from the Sky Mall catalog.

5.  Passengers may look out the window provided the shade is drawn, or whenever the pilot announces that he sees Santa’s sleigh.

Published in: on December 28, 2009 at 5:49 PM  Leave a Comment  

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