White House Reveals More Terrorist Attempts on U.S.

Under pressure from Andrew Breitbart and Kanye West, the Obama administration today released the details of several other attempted terrorist attacks in 2009 previously withheld from the media.

The information, considered highly classified and known only to President Obama, a handful of his top advisors and the Yemeni Vocational Arts Club, reveals a surprising increase in hostilities against the United States despite Obama’s friendly demeanor toward mideastern nations, not to mention the 250,000 Happy Meals he air-dropped over Tehran on Christmas Eve.

Among the incidents recorded:

1. A woman bringing a stuffed moose across the Minnesota border was detained after agents found dozens of expired cans of Beef-a-Roni and an autographed photo of Wayne Newton in the animal’s interior.

2. Two men were arrested at Yellowstone Park after attempting to light their clothes on fire.  They were found to have jumbo hot dogs strapped to their waists and legs.  Authorities are still determining if their goal was to produce terrorism or just lunch.

3. On June 3rd a man was seen on the Brooklyn Bridge yelling “Pull!”, then throwing what witnesses claim was a Joe Biden Chia Pet into the East River.  He is still at-large.

4. Susan Boyle was detained in Boston’s Logan Airport after smiling to a TSA agent, breaking his eyeglasses as well as six x-ray machines.

5. A Labrador retriever defecated on the White House lawn and then eluded at least twelve Secret Service agents, jumping the West Executive Avenue fence.  It was last seen on G Street.

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Published in: on December 29, 2009 at 5:07 PM  Leave a Comment  

Janet Napolitano Takes Charge of All Our Problems!

 U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced several new security measures today in response to the thwarted terrorist attack by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who is now in custody and considering several offers from network television to star in his own reality show.

Napolitano, in an unusual press conference arranged in her private bathroom next to the Secretary’s office, first claimed that her comments of yesterday were taken out of context.

“When I said ‘The system works’ I was referring to the plumbing that you see behind me,” said Napolitano.  She then flushed the toilet several times to prove her point.  The Secretary then listed a series of new restrictions designed to prevent another terrorist attack on flights coming into the U.S.  Among the directives:

1. All passengers reporting to TSA stations must wear their undergarments on the outside of their clothing.  Female passengers with a bra size greater than double-G are allowed to use their brassiere as a carry-on bag.

2. Passengers must keep their arms raised over their head for the last hour of a flight and sing all known verses of  “The Hokey Pokey.”

3. Passengers from Nigeria attempting to fly to the United States without a passport will be subjected to extra screening, then allowed to board with no more than six carry-on bags.

4. Any person who refuses to remove their blanket or pillow from their lap will be required to purchase the Philips Norelco Body Groomer ($49.99) from the Sky Mall catalog.

5.  Passengers may look out the window provided the shade is drawn, or whenever the pilot announces that he sees Santa’s sleigh.

Published in: on December 28, 2009 at 5:49 PM  Leave a Comment