Virus Discovery Raises Fears for MSNBC

Officials from the Center for Disease Control issued a warning today that people stay away from MSNBC news host Keith Olbermann, who is suspected of harboring the brain-eating virus OUCI812.

“We’ve received several reports from the network about Mr. Olbermann and are concerned that he has been infected,” said a spokesperson for the CDC.  The comments were in response to last night’s “Countdown” program where Olbermann asked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi if she stretched out her face on a rack every night before retiring.  He also called former president George W. Bush “Shemp,” and demanded that all congressional debates be performed with hand puppets.

Olbermann’s behavior in recent weeks has been under scrutiny by MSNBC executives ever since he surprised Senator Charles Schumer on-air with an engagement ring.  The talk show host was taken away by security officers yesterday and was allegedly heard screaming “You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal! You can do whatever you feel!” through the windows of a NYPD squad car.

Published in: on October 28, 2009 at 2:59 PM  Leave a Comment  

Obama Proclaims Recession Has “Gone Bye-Bye”

President Barack Obama will announce today in a Rose Garden ceremony that the recession is almost certainly close to being declared likely coming to an end in the near futureNew figures released by the government show encouraging signs, such as major decreases in inventories of kerosene heaters, used clothing and cardboard signs.

Despite an unemployment rate of 10 percent and an unusual decision by McDonald’s to convert all 10,000 of its restaurants into crematories, Obama administration officials are optimistic about the economy.

“America is coming back,” declared Arlis von Sprechzing, the Unemployment Czar.  “The President today will announce major new stimulus packages, such as $500 to audition for ‘American Idol,’ or one million dollars a day to harass Glenn Beck.  Our ‘Recycle Me First’ plan asks families to bring their deceased loved ones to the nearest McDonalds, where they will be converted into low-cost heating fuel.”

This is the second time this year that an end to all human suffering has been announced, the other being in August when the White House revealed that secret negotiations done by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton prevented an invasion from Mars.

Published in: on October 27, 2009 at 1:20 PM  Leave a Comment  

Kerry Urges Caution on Moon Shot

Senator John Kerry said today a plan to put man on the moon is “too ambitious, too risky, and goes too far, too fast.”

“No one wants to see us fail in our goal of a successful landing on the moon,” said Kerry during a visit to the Herman Munster Museum in Popponesset, Massachusetts, ” but I reject the call for a build-up of rockets and astronauts at this time while so much work is left to be done in losing the war in Afghanistan.”

Aides to the senator have reminded him repeatedly of the 1969 Apollo 11 mission to the moon, but according to one staffer, who spoke anonymously as she enjoys being gainfully employed, the senator has recently developed several unorthodox opinions, such as the D-Day invasion actually took place in Lawrence Olivier’s swimming pool, and if he was an Oscar Meyer wiener, everyone would be in love with him.

After visiting the museum Kerry bicycled to the Popponesset Bird Sanctuary, where he played several hands of pinochle with the local curlews, godwits, pharalopes and loons.

Published in: on October 26, 2009 at 7:13 PM  Leave a Comment  

White House Pay Czar Expands Oversight

Kenneth Feinberg, the Obama administration’s ‘pay czar’, has been tapped by the President to further reduce expenditures by bailed-out executives of companies who benefitted from TARP funds.

Speaking behind a bullet-proof partition in the Treasury Department lobby Feinberg said, “The President has asked me to reduce the excessive compensation of those who are still on the Federal dole,” said Feinberg.  “I have already arranged for pay cuts as high as 90%, but am pleased to announce these further measures.  Starting immediately, all executives from companies still on the TARP list will obey the following directives.” 

Feinberg’s bodyguards passed out copies to reporters, and then following standard administration protocol, all present in the room were blindfolded as the czar made his exit.

The new measures prohibit such expenses as hair coloring, tipping caddies more than five dollars, use of “call” liquor during dinner meetings, anything other than plain coffee at Starbucks, premium dog food, use of shoe shine parlors in airports (except on overseas flights) and more than one hot dog per sporting event. 

Reaction from the companies was swift and strong.  “We disagree strongly with Mr. Feinberg’s directives,” replied GM executive Charles Farley.  “Why, I haven’t worn a clip-on tie since I was in the 6th grade.”

Feinberg is widely expected to drop “therapeutic Botox injections” from the list after disclosures of plastic surgery were reported by James O’Keefe and  Hannah Giles.

Published in: on October 22, 2009 at 9:25 AM  Leave a Comment  

Jimmy Carter to Perform New Acts of Kindness

Former President Jimmy Carter, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, has released his fall and winter schedule of upcoming good deeds.

The Nobel Laureate Carter and his wife Rosalynn will join members of the rock band U2, blogress Arianna Huffington and reality TV star Jon Gosselin in a week-long trip to Nunavut, Canada where they will judge a beauty pageant and build snow forts for homeless indigenous Inuits. 

The former president, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, will next travel to Oslo, Norway to build vacation homes for several of the Nobel Peace Prize committee members.

In December he returns to the United States, where he will vaccinate the citizens of Plains, Georgia against influenza, speak out against Republicans in a series of appearances on the David Letterman show and, with the help of the new da Vinci robotic system, remove his own prostate gland.

The Nobel Peace Prize winner is still in the process of selecting actors and actresses to accompany him to Switzerland in January to perform a daring daytime rescue of director Roman Polanski from a Zurich jail cell.

Published in: on October 21, 2009 at 3:25 PM  Leave a Comment  

More Planets Found

A group of European astronomers have found 32 new planets outside our solar system.  Scientists at the European Southern Observatory in Chile announced the discovery during a surprise visit to a Star Trek convention taking place in Davenport, Iowa.

“Using our new High Accuracy Radial Velocity Planet Searcher,” said Dr. Anton Xavier, lead researcher, “created from three XBox consoles connected to a telescope and a large microwave oven, we were able to definitively identify 32 new planets near our solar system, although none of them were actually confirmed to exist.”

The group plans to name all of the planets “Obama”, in honor of the American president’s recent Nobel Peace Prize award.  “We’re 99 per cent sure that the inhabitants of Obama-14 have universal health care,” said Dr. Xavier.  “Now we can only hope that the President follows their lead – for the sake of the Earth.”

Published in: on October 20, 2009 at 12:57 PM  Leave a Comment  

British Prime Minister Miscalculates Carbon Cuts

U. K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown revealed today that his crusade to reduce the world’s output of greenhouse gases has taken an unexpected turn.

“When our Save Mum’s Earth committee announced their calculations last year I misunderstood the number of tons needed to stop global warming,” he said during a hastily-arranged news conference by the River Thames Glacier.

“I thought they said we needed a reduction of 5 trillion tons of carbon gases instead of 5 billion,” replied Brown.  “Of course I’m pleased that my leadership in cutting greenhouse gases produced a smashing success, but for Christ’s sake would somebody please turn up the heat in number 10 Downing Street?”

The P. M.’s conference was cut short when part of the roof caved in, a consequence of last night’s blizzard which was the fourth to hit London since July 15th.

Published in: on October 19, 2009 at 1:26 PM  Leave a Comment  

Biden Offers New Strategy on Afghanistan

Vice President Joe Biden appears to have altered his stance on how to defeat al-Qaeda in Afghanistan.  After publicly promoting the concept of “counterterrorism,” which involves more surgical strikes using drones and less troops on the ground, the latest entry in his web log “Biden My Time” reveals a new strategy.

“Let’s face it – Afghanistan is like a giant dumpster out in the middle of the Mojave Desert,” he writes.  “Rather than continue to waste our time trying to salvage this rat hole, I say we black out the country on all maps and globes, or at least rename it ‘Beverly Hills.'”

The Vice President went on to list all of the breakfast cereals he had eaten that week and what programs on VH1 he had taped for the upcoming weekend.

Published in: on October 16, 2009 at 12:43 PM  Comments (1)  

Al Gore Announces New Plan to Cut Global Warming

Former Vice President Al Gore, winner of an Oscar, a Grammy, an Emmy, a Webby and the Bush is Evil Award (formerly known as the Nobel Peace Prize) announced today that he has single-handedly devised a solution to the global warming crisis.

“After months of deep concentration and preening, I have solved the problem of global warming,” said the visionary.  “Using leftover federal stimulus funds and what’s left of Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis’s 401k account, my Green is Good energy company will mount tens of thousands of massive high speed solar fans across the globe.

“Once in place, these energy-neutral fans will be pointed toward the the east, thus slowing down and eventually bringing the Earth’s rotation to a stop.  This will leave the entire western hemisphere, including the United States, permanently in the dark and effectively reduce travel and economic activity to levels not seen since the 17th century.  Dear Mother Earth will once again be able to breathe with ease.”

When asked how the fans would be powered in total darkness, Mr. Gore replied “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”  He then exited the room on a velvet litter carried by members of a local body-building club.

Published in: on October 15, 2009 at 2:50 PM  Leave a Comment  

Archbishop of Canterbury Calls for Hunter-Gatherers to Unite

Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, said in a speech today that advances in economic progress are ruining man’s ability to adopt the simple lifestyle of his forebears and hurting the feelings of those who are attempting to live without running water.

“All this fuss about growth and progress – what does it lead to?  A few million Blu-Ray players?  Queueing at a take-away joint for some god-awful combo of burgers and fries?  This is ridiculous.  It’s time to turn back the clock to a more loving world.  I call on all of us to revert to eating roots, shoots and especially those tasty little crabapples you find in southern Wales,” said the Archbishop.

Immediately after his lecture Dr. Williams walked to a nearby pasture where according to several witnesses he dropped on all fours and began grazing amidst a herd of Derbyshire Gristone sheep.

Published in: on October 14, 2009 at 6:51 PM  Leave a Comment