Scientists Announce Cure for Global Warming

The annual meeting of Scientists Against Humans was highlighted today by a stunning announcement that California investigators have discovered a way to reverse the process of evolution, raising hopes around the world that Earth may be saved from global warming.

Using state-of-the-art nanotechnology and the popular Wii game system from Nintendo, scientists from Stanford University were able to transform a 28 year old volunteer graduate student into Homo sapiens neanderthalensis, or Neanderthal Man, a species of early human extinct for 30,000 years, although examples have allegedly been seen in the stands at Yankee Stadium.

“The patient is doing fine,” said a spokesperson for the group.  “He is now a peaceful, low-carbon footprint citizen and has exceeded our expectations in all categories, including leisure, where he loves to watch MSNBC.”

The scientists plan to continue to de-evolve the student until he reaches the ancient hominid Australopithecus afarensis, which lived in eastern Africa over 3 million years ago.  They will then move him to Berkeley, California, where he is expected to socialize and mate without difficulty.

Several organizations traditionally concerned about the fate of planet Earth have signed a petition demanding priority in the selection process.  A dozen members of PETA chained themselves to the gate at the Palo Alto research lab today shouting “Send us back!”

The Stanford professors denied a rumor that former Vice President Al Gore has asked to be the next subject, citing a letter they received from him.  Gore is currently vacationing at his 20,000 square foot estate in Monte Carlo, where he will race his Rolls-Royce next week in the famed Monaco Grand Prix.

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Published in: on November 12, 2009 at 6:18 PM  Leave a Comment  

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