Health Care Bill Passes; Pelosi Now Targets Terrorism

Fresh on the massive five-vote victory for her heavily touted health care bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is introducing terrorism reform legislation designed to prevent terrorist attacks on America, especially the 8th district of California.

“We cannot let the momentum of this historic day pass without addressing all of the needs of hard-working union members – I mean Americans,” said the Speaker during a conference call from her yacht Facelift,  sailing off the coast of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

“My next bill will keep America safe now and forever, although Steny Hoyer and I are still working on preventing the sun from blowing up 8 billion years from now,” she said.

Details of the 67,000 page bill have not been released, but highlights have been leaked to wonderful, esteemed, real news media outlets such as Daily Kos and The New York Times.  Included in the bill are such provisions as:

*Terrorist groups must form equal-opportunity cooperatives and register all weapons purchases quarterly with the Bad Guys Oversight Board.

*All proposed attacks must first be reviewed by a federal evildoer rationing board.  Low-priority targets will be subject to disapproval and sanctions will apply.

*No terrorists will be allowed to enter the United States without a federally issued I.D. card.

*Attacks involving the use of custard pies must first be announced with the warning “Nyuk!  Nyuk!  Nyuk!”.

*The government reserves the right to create a public option if terrorist activity falls below pre-determined threshholds, or if Texas is not attacked within the first five years of the bill’s passing.

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Published in: on November 9, 2009 at 10:12 AM  Leave a Comment  

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